What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 01:20
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
Why is my ex mad I moved on when he dumped me?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Would this be the day?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My family never makes their pension either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She wouldn,t have been !
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And i lived it daily.
It was going to be , some day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But it wasn’t much.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was very sick at this time too.
She was in good health!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But ive been too sick for many years..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
So, i spoilt her more .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She married twice! .
Comes on , in middle age.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I don,t even have a pension.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She found it foreign!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Ive learnt so much.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were not on the streets..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I said to her
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.